Dear God,

I heard tonight about the revelation by Sarah Palin at the Wasilla Assemblies of God church that a natural gas pipeline planned to run through Alaska is the will of God - your will. Is Sarah Palin right? Is it true? Is that natural gas pipeline your idea?

- Emily

Emily,

Absolutely not! I told Sarah Palin that I wanted a maple sap pipeline from the southern edge of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, where very, very short maple trees grow, down to the east of Juneau, and then right into a syrup evaporation plant in Kirkland, Washington, on the outskirts of the Seattle metropolitan area.

Why can’t Sarah Palin tell the truth about my divine prophecies to her and to the Wasilla Masters Commission? It can’t believe this is just a mistake. Who could accidentallly think I was talking about natural gas when I was telling her about the destiny of buckwheat pancakes?

I would never support a natural gas pipeline. It’s a contradiction in terms. Once you take natural gas out of the ground, and put it in a pipe, it’s not natural any more. People wonder, too: Is it the gas that’s natural, or the pipeline? A natural gas pipeline is an abomination to me.

I can see that Sarah Palin can no longer be trusted as the spokesperson of God. I’m going to have to start issuing my own press releases, and telling people the truth about what Sarah Palin is saying in my name.

- God

Dear God,

Politicians aligned with big oil corporations are saying that we need to expand offshore drilling, even though gasoline prices have been going down significantly for weeks because of conservation. Offshore drilling, even at its peak, would only bring a fraction of this benefit, and that wouldn’t happen for years.

But politicians these days seem to think that everyone needs to ask God’s opinion before coming to a political decision, so I’m asking you, God: Should America expand offshore drilling?

- MacMillan

MacMillan,

I think that more offshore drilling is a great idea. People tend to get nervous when going to the dentist, and if they could be out on the water, with the sound of the waves lapping up against the side of a boat, with the warm sun on their faces, I think they would relax, and there would be a lot less pain when it comes time to get a root canal.

The trick is getting the boat out there. Boats burn up terrible amounts of gasoline - just one to five miles per gallon. So, my opinion is that there should be a nationwide ban on recreational motorboats. If people really want to get out onto the water, they can use sailboats and oars, as in days of old.

In my omniscient opinion, fossil fuels ought to be a thing of the past.

- God

A lot of people assume that God doesn’t have to worry about weight gain, but God is omnipresent, and as physicists teach us, the universe is constantly expanding. So, God has to work extra hard to keep his figure.

That’s why God uses artificial sweetener instead of sugar. But which one?

Saccharine has been shown to cause cancer in rats, and given that God is everywhere, he is in rats, and so would probably get cancer if he used saccharine.

Aspartame has been shown to cause seizures when it is consumed at the same time as carbohydrates. Because God is omnipresent, he is always consuming carbohydrates, so aspartame is not an option.

Splenda is not unhealthy, but Splenda reminds God of his old girlfriend Glenda. Being omniscient, it’s very difficult for God to forget about anything. It would be impossible if God weren’t also omnipotent. So, in order to help him forget Glenda, God never uses Splenda.

The only artificial sweetener that is left for God to use is fish tank gravel. He prefers the kind that glows green in the dark. Most people don’t know that fish tank gravel tastes like sugar, but that’s just because they haven’t tried it. You’ve heard of rock salt, right? Well, fish tank gravel is like rock sugar, only with no calories and no bitter aftertaste.

It’s true that the gravel is a bit crunchy, but every artificial sweetener has its drawbacks. Now that Starbucks is closing many of its stores, God sees a business opportunity: A new coffeeshop brand called God’s Best Fish Tank Gravel Coffee. The featured drink will be the half caff, no fat latte with whipped topping and blue gravel syrup infused with the essential oil of guppy.

Dear God,

The other day, Jimmy Peterson punched me just because I told him he was a bad person and would go to Hell because he doesn’t believe in You, which he doesn’t. Anyhow, he punched me really hard in the stomach then walked away.

Later that night, Mom made me stop my bedtime prayer because I asked You to come and knock his teeth out. She said You want us to be nice to people, and made me say a nice prayer even though I didn’t want to. She told me to forgive Jimmy Peterson and ask You to forgive him too.

Is my Mom right? Do You really want us to be nice to people and forgive them?

-Billy

Dear Billy,

Your Mom has no idea what she’s talking about. She obviously hasn’t read David’s prayer to Me in Psalm 58:6:
“Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth: break out the great teeth of the young lions, O LORD!”

THAT’S what I’M talking about!

And when I do come and knock out the little bastard’s teeth, go ahead and enjoy it:
“The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.” (Psalm 58:10)

-God

Dear God,

Are you any good at algebra? I only ask because it is all about unknowns, and I guess they must be pretty unfamiliar to you.

-Joe

Dear Joe,

Well Joe, has it ever occurred to you that if unknowns were unfamiliar to me, there would be something I didn’t know? Nothing is unknown to me, including unknowns.

This is what distinguishes me from, say, Donald Rumsfeld, who knows that there are known unknowns and unknown unknowns, but has no knowledge of unknown unknowns other than the fact that they lend themselves poorly to war propaganda, but lend themselves quite well to half-assed excuses for killing tens of thousands of people he didn’t know he didn’t know he didn’t have to kill.

I am very good at algebra. In fact, I am far better at algebra than a mere mortal mind like yours could possibly comprehend. Here’s an example:

Let X = an unknown integer between 5 and 10.

What is the value of X? Well, it’s unknown. But I happen to know it’s 7.

See? I’m a math whiz, yo.

-God

God never drinks coffee after lunch because coffee late in the day makes him feel jittery. God worries that if he were ever to set foot on solid ground after having an afternoon cup of Joe, he could cause a series of earthquakes so powerful that they would threaten the destruction of human civilization. Such a thing has never happened, mind you, but that doesn’t stop God from worrying about it. Besides, God doesn’t feel like himself if he fails to get a good night’s sleep.

Dear God,

I like to buy a bottle of clean, cold water every morning to bring to work so that I can be confident about what I put in my body, and feel replenished. However, I have a lot of friends who say that I shouldn’t buy bottled water at all. They say that making the bottles and shipping the water adds to air pollution that comes down and makes water around the world a lot dirtier.

I’m confused. Should I buy bottled water or not?

- Anniston

Anniston,

I refuse to drink bottled water, myself.

I eat it. Bottled water is a lovely treat - crunchy on the outside, smooth and refreshing on the inside.

Why waste the bottle?

- God

A little-known fact about God:

God has decided to allow the human species to survive. However, this decision was not made out of compassion, but because God realizes that humans might one day be the source of a new generation of medications that could cure diseases like avian flu. God hates to see chickens with the sniffles.

Dear God,

I was reading this web site called Christian Odyssey, and they had a web page about how to tell if a person has really been genuinely called by you to go do missionary work. One of the things that they said was that, “One of the reasons we crave to do something ‘great’ for God is that we are unsure of how we stand with him, and we hope that if we do something ‘great’ like move to a faraway corner of the earth and be a missionary, God will like us more and we can feel better about our relationship with him.”

Is it true, God? Do you really like people just fine as they are, or do you like us better if we do something ‘great’ and move to a faraway corner of the earth?

- Stan

Stan,

Yes. I admit it. I would like you more if you would go away, Stan.

- God

Dear God,

I am taking a class at my college in which we learn about classical Hinduism. It’s fascinating, but it’s leading me to ask many questions I never could have imagined - questions about you.

In the Mahabharata, the great spiritual epic of the Hindu tradition, there is a passage that describes a supreme, ultimate being: “Isana, to whom multitudes make offerings, and who is adored by the multitude; who is the true incorruptible one, Brahma, perceptible, imperceptible, eternal; who is both a non-existing and an existing-non-existing being; who is the universe and also distinct from the existing and non-existing universe; who is the creator of high and low; the ancient, exalted, inexhaustible one; who is Vishnu, beneficent and the beneficence itself, worthy of all preference, pure and immaculate; who is Hari, the ruler of the faculties, the guide of all things movable and immovable.”

God, this sounds a lot like you. What’s the difference between you and Isana?

- Penelope

Penelope,

I’m saddened that you have to even ask this question. There are lots of differences. Isana has red hair, whereas I’m bald. I love sardines, but Isana doesn’t. I’m shorter than Isana, but Isana has more of a belly. That’s just for starters.

Incidentally, did you notice that the description of Isana that you cited doesn’t call Isana “both corrupt and incorruptible”? There’s a reason for that. Isana had a little run-in with the IRS a few years ago. Some say it was just an indirect way to try to bust him on charges of drug dealing.

- God

Dear God,

I have been going through some difficult times in my life, and I have tried to turn to you for help. So far, though, you have not helped me. I have refused to be discouraged, and I keep on searching. My quest has been to understand, as I suffer, what God really wants from me, and why he has made me endure such suffering.

Then, yesterday, I came across some writings by the Reverend Earnest Anderson. Reverend Anderson writes, “God wants us to have a spiritual growth spurt. He wants us more mature like His Son so that we can play a bigger part in His eternal purposes.”

Well, that told me all I needed to know. But, now I’m angry at you, God. It seems that you only value us human beings as some kind of livestock, so that you can fatten us up for the slaughter.

You feed us hope, so that we can have a “spiritual growth spurt”, but in the end, you intend to treat us just like you treated Jesus. You’re going to kill all your followers, in one form or another, through automobile accidents, or cancer, or alzheimer’s, and you’re going to get your spiritual nutrition from our suffering as we parish.

God, you are like a vampire. I’m on to your schemes. So now, I want you to tell me what I have to do to fend off your sadistic sacrificial plans. Tell me, or I’ll spill the beans.

- Andrew

Andrew,

Well, it’s the same thing as with vampires, really. Garlic.

If you want to be free from the curse of suffering and death, you must wear a clove of fresh garlic around your neck at all times. Never let yourself be free of that clove of garlic, however - not even for a second, even to take a shower. The minute you let your guard down, you will be subject to my curse again.

I’ll be watching and waiting, Andrew, for you to let that garlic slip out of your grasp. I’m going to get you, Andrew, and then your spiritual growth spurt will be mine to feast upon, slowly, savoring every last morsel.

- God

Dear God,

I am studying agriculture, and one of the things that’s being discussed is interplanting. The idea is that a field will be more productive if more than one crop is planted in the same field. The idea is that insect pests and plant diseases will have a more difficult time getting a strong hold and devastating an entire crop if one plant is mixed in with others. The fertility of the soil is also supposed to be preserved, and soil erosion is decreased.

In spite of all of this, I read in the Book of Leviticus that you forbid interplanting in agriculture. You prescribe monoculture, just one kind of seed planted in any field. This is one of those commandments that’s never included in the popular list of the Ten Commandments, but there it is: “Thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed”.

Why not? Why are you so strongly opposed to anything but monoculture?

- Bart

Bart,

The essential issue is strip malls. I like strip malls. I really like it when you can go between different cities and find the same store in similar strip malls. The consistency is really nice. One store looks pretty much like another, and that’s soothing to my sensibilities.

You have to understand the historical context of Leviticus. Back when Leviticus was written, humanity was not technologically or culturally prepared for strip malls, so I had to prepare the way for the coming of the strip mall.

Agriculture was a great way to train people, to get them ready to build strip malls, when the time was right. Getting all one kind of plant grown in one field at a time, in row after row of identical plants, got rid of all the nasty unexpected scattering found in nature. It was a preparation for factories to mass produce the items to fill up the dollar stores and chain stores all over the world, just one item from one factory, sent out everywhere.

If you have fields with interplanted crops, well, you might as well just have merchants setting up booths to sell whatever they’ve got wherever they can find a place to sell it. Do you know what that leads to?

It leads to haggling. Haggling is next to godlessness.

- God